


Vicious Cycle

by Actual_Pixie



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M, Psychological Drama, Psychologists & Psychiatrists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-03
Updated: 2012-07-03
Packaged: 2017-11-09 02:42:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/450368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actual_Pixie/pseuds/Actual_Pixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suzaku wanted a normal life. By the time he realized neither of them knew what that was, it was already too late. Everyone grieves differently, but who's crazy - the one who sees doctors, or the one who just waits in the car?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vicious Cycle

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic was inspired by two things, mainly. First and foremost was the musical Next to Normal, which I am currently obsessed with and encourage you all to listen to or, if you have the chance, go see. The soundtrack is available to download on iTunes, but you can also find it on Youtube. It's just an amazing musical with a deep, heartbreaking and thought-provoking storyline that will leave you completely mesmerized. Psychological drama – my favorite! 
> 
> The second was Lelouch's reaction to when he believed Nunnally was killed by FLEIJA (him continuously asking Rolo "just let me talk to Nunnally"). It got me wondering how, in an alternate universe where he led a 'normal life,' Lelouch would cope with Nunnally dying prematurely.
> 
> I apologize in advance if the formatting of it is a little wonky and hard to follow. All the scenes in italics - separated by page breaks – are Lelouch's sessions with his psychiatrist; there are flashbacks in a lot of the scenes, Lelouch's sessions or otherwise, (and the flashbacks are written as such).
> 
> Soundtrack (Musical Inspiration):
> 
> Pretty much the entire Next to Normal Soundtrack is what inspired this one-shot. So it will add a lot if you listen to these songs especially, because the scenes between Lelouch and Schneizel in particular contain dialogue from these songs:
> 
> "Who's Crazy / My Psycho-pharmacologist and I"  
> "He's Not Here"  
> "I Am the One"  
> "Make Up Your Mind / Catch Me I'm Falling"  
> "Why Stay / A Promise"
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass or Next to Normal, unfortunately.

After a forty-five minute drive into the heart of the Tokyo Settlement, fighting traffic and the ever-present desire to send the four-door sedan hurtling off the freeway, Suzaku Kururugi parked in front of a nondescript stucco building and killed the engine. Beside him, Lelouch Lamperouge, his partner of nine years and best friend since even longer, unbuckled his seatbelt.

"Are you sure you don't want me to go in with you?" Suzaku asked, the smallest bit of hope in his voice, because it hadn't always been that he waited in the car. There was a time when Lelouch wanted him there, needed him there for support and a shoulder to cry on. They used to cry together; Suzaku preferred it that way, preferred to be with Lelouch rather than both of them alone with their demons.

Lelouch didn't say anything, only continued to stare at the newly-painted sign in front of the building.

_**Dr. Schneizel el Britannia, Psychiatric Medicine.** _

Hesitantly, Suzaku removed his hand from the steering wheel to touch Lelouch's shoulder. Lelouch jumped as if scalded, violet eyes widening but finally landing on the brown-haired man in the driver's seat. Something passed between his eyes that Suzaku had seen countless times before but still couldn't properly identify. Lelouch's posture relaxed.

"What?" Lelouch said, suddenly fine as he took Suzaku's hand in his own and gave it a gentle squeeze. "It's all right. I'll only be an hour." He smiled that typical, carefree smile that reminded Suzaku of when they were boys, playing on the steps of the Kururugi shrine and kissing for the first time amidst the shelter of their tree forts. "You should take Nunnally for an ice cream while you're waiting."

Suzaku didn't follow Lelouch's gaze as it locked affectionately on the seat behind him.

"She likes strawberry," Lelouch reminded him. "Right, Nunnally?"

"I know," Suzaku said, more quickly than necessary. Then they were silent.

Lelouch released his hand. "I'll be back in an hour."

Suzaku removed the child safety lock on the doors. "I'll be waiting." That seemed to be the only thing he could do, lately. Wait for Lelouch, wait for a change, wait for things to go back to the way they were or just inevitably get worse.

After the door slammed and Lelouch was gone, Suzaku finally glanced up at the rearview mirror. He didn't know what he was expecting, but all he found was the lifeless reflection of his eyes and an empty backseat, as usual.

* * *

_**Catch me I'm falling** _

* * *

" _Lamperouge, Lelouch. Bipolar depressive with delusional episodes. Seven year history of medication. Adjustment after one week." Dr. Schneizel el Britannia lowered the notepad to give his patient a quick once-over. With a compassionate smile on his face he asked, "How are you feeling today, Lelouch?"_

_It was a moment before Lelouch, suspicious of the fairly new surroundings, answered. When he did he used a low, cautious voice. "I've got less anxiety, but I have headaches and blurry vision, and," he shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, "I can't feel my toes."_

_The doctor nodded, taking note, before meeting Lelouch's eyes again. "So, we'll try again," he said, adding only once he noticed Lelouch's cross expression: "eventually we'll get it right."_

_Lelouch turned his focus to the window. Outside he saw the white sedan, Suzaku hunched over the steering wheel with his head in his hands. "Not a very exact science, is it?"_

* * *

_**Catch me I'm falling** _

* * *

"Hello, I'm Euphemia Lee."

When Suzaku only stared at her blankly – pointedly trying not to notice the way her hair curled invitingly around her low-cut blouse – the girl laughed. It was a pleasant sound; musical.

"The new intern," she clarified.

Suzaku nodded, vaguely recalling that being mentioned at the last department meeting. And hadn't he watched her just the other day, laughing with Nina and Cecile by the water cooler? She'd been wearing yellow, Suzaku's favorite color.

"Suzaku Kururugi," he greeted casually, flashing a smile that was mostly forced until he actually looked her in the eyes and discovered them to be almost an identical shade to Lelouch's. He stood up from the desk and extended a hand. "It's nice to meet you."

Euphemia took his hand in her own. Her fingers were thin, fragile; like Lelouch's, only without the cuticles chewed to the point of bleeding. "I'm sorry," she said, eyes trailing down to the picture Suzaku had been focused on when she entered. There was a brief moment where Suzaku feared she'd heard the rumors. His story was well-known around the office; often he was the subject of ridicule and almost always, which made his blood boil even more,  _Lelouch_  and  _crazy_  went hand-in-hand in a sentence."I wanted to introduce myself, but you seem preoccupied."

Without thinking, Suzaku lowered the picture frame face-down. "It's fine. Um..." He glanced at his watch, licked his lips, and ignored the niggling stab of guilt in his chest. "Did you have plans for lunch?"

Her eyes brightened. Suzaku's heart skipped a beat.

* * *

_**Faster than anyone should** _

* * *

" _Lamperouge, Lelouch. First adjustment after two weeks. How are you feeling, Lelouch?"_

_Lelouch smiled calmly. "Much better. I've been able to sleep through the night the past week. Still nervous, but I think it's only because of the party. There's so much to do."_

" _Party?" Schneizel asked. Lelouch nodded. "Someone's birthday?"_

* * *

_**Catch me I'm falling** _

* * *

"You must be Anya," Suzaku greeted with a smile, welcoming the quiet pink-haired girl into the house. "I'm glad you could come. Rolo doesn't have friends over often, so-"

" _Suzaku_ ," Rolo ground out, cheeks a mortified red as he entered behind who Suzaku could only presume was his girlfriend.

Suzaku laughed good-naturedly, feeling every bit the embarrassing sort-of-father he'd become within the broken Lamperouge family. "Sorry, sorry. You're just in time. Lelouch made a cake and everything."

Irritation leaving him, Rolo glanced up, surprised. "He did?"

The tone of Suzaku's voice reflected the hope in Rolo's eyes. "He remembered on his own. The medicine's working this time."

They gathered in the small kitchen, Rolo beaming – an expression Suzaku could never recall seeing before on the usually solemn boy's face – as the lights were dimmed. Lelouch entered the room, still donned in the frilly apron Suzaku bought him years ago as a joke and carrying a round cake with strawberry decorations.

 _Happy 19_ _th_ _Birthday, Nunnally!_

The cake ended up on the floor.

When Suzaku came to him later, after Anya left and Rolo locked himself in his bedroom and the mess had been cleaned up, Lelouch was curled up on the floor beside the stove, just as mystified as when Rolo knocked the cake out of his hands.

"Lelouch, you..." He hesitated, hating the apprehension in Lelouch's eyes, the way Lelouch couldn't look at him. "You need to let her go."

Lelouch appeared stricken, horrified at the mere suggestion. He curled in on himself. Suzaku may as well have punched him in the gut. "Let her..?"

"Ten years, Lelouch... It's been  _ten years_." Maybe he was heartless, but Suzaku didn't feel so bad when he said it. Ten years felt like an entire lifetime and he was exhausted, tired of walking on eggshells and never knowing how to act around the man he loved.

_("Why stay?"_

_Suzaku was met with this kind of thing every day at work, whenever someone new learned of his home situation. Skepticism, derision; people thought he was crazy, too, and maybe he was because his answer sounded just as ridiculous as Lelouch talking to his ten-year-departed sister: "I promised him."_

_But this was different_.  _Euphemia was different, in a lot of ways. This was an innocent question posed with the best of intentions. She was new, she didn't know better and she actually looked genuinely concerned._

" _Why stay?"_ )

Lelouch's fist pounded into the nearest cabinet. "Why?"

Again –  _pound!_

"She's dead, Lelouch."

Again –  _pound!_

_("Tell me why you stay," Schneizel asked, the first time Suzaku ever met with him alone._

_Why, indeed? Why endure, coping on his own every day while Lelouch soared out of his reach, hoping one day things would return to what they once were? He'd suffered long enough, why did he keep going back for more? All that waited for him in that apartment was heartbreak. Lelouch would only eventually come to hate him._

" _No one could blame you for leaving. It may be that you're better off that way. And perhaps Lelouch is, too."_

_That was out of the question. Suzaku could never leave. The truth wasn't the noble promise he'd made all those years ago, as was his answer to everyone who asked._

_The truth was that he didn't know how to be alone. All he knew was Lelouch. If he lost Lelouch, what did he have? A life with no meaning...)_

"Why do you do that?"

Again –

Lelouch's fist met Suzaku's chest, and Suzaku let him beat him until he fell asleep there on the kitchen floor, tear tracks staining his pale cheeks.

_("Your behavior shows many masochistic tendencies, Kururugi Suzaku.")_

* * *

_**Please hear me calling** _

* * *

" _Lamperouge, Lelouch. Adjustment after three weeks. Delusions less frequent but depressive state worse. How are you feeling today, Lelouch?"_

_Lelouch sat on the edge of the sofa, hands on his stomach and eyes downcast. "I'm nauseous," he said quietly, shuddering as he recalled spending almost the entire night curled against the toilet, Suzaku's hands on his back and in his hair, trying to soothe him. He'd tried pushing him away. Suzaku wasn't the one he needed, but it was useless. No matter how Lelouch acted – screaming, crying, punching, throwing things – Suzaku remained steadfast at his side. Lelouch should have been grateful for his partner's loyalty, but most of the time he found himself resenting it instead. The pity in Suzaku's eyes, the fear... The irritatingly calm, patronizing way Suzaku spoke to him._

_("She's not here... Love, I know you know.")_

" _C-completely lost my appetite, but gained six pounds, which... well, is just not fair."_

_("But you're beautiful," Suzaku had said, cradling him in his arms when Lelouch had sobbed uncontrollably for a reason he couldn't even remember and shied away from every kiss his partner attempted to place on his brow.)_

_Lelouch wrapped his arms around himself._

_Schneizel took a note. "Something else, then."_

* * *

_**Catch me I'm falling for good** _

* * *

"You missed the concert," Suzaku hissed, the second he returned home and discovered Lelouch at the kitchen table, which was set for four.

"Concert?" Lelouch echoed, brows furrowing.

Shaking his head, Suzaku ripped off his coat, not bothering to hang it up neatly in the closet as Lelouch constantly scolded him to. He slung it over his usual place at the table and began snatching up the plates. "Rolo's concert," he said, recalling the crestfallen expression on the boy's face when Rolo realized that, yet again, his brother's reserved seat in the audience was empty. "He had a solo and everything. The violin. He was really good."

"Violin..?" Lelouch frowned, bringing a hand up to his mouth. "I thought... The piano..."

Both pairs of eyes travelled to the upright cherry wood Yamaha in the corner of the room, covered, as it had been for the past ten years, by a drab white sheet, collecting dust. If he listened closely Suzaku could still hear the joyful music that used to fill the house, but he refused to lose himself in the past.

"It's the violin," he corrected gently, resuming his clearing of the table.

Pale fingers closed around his wrist. Lelouch stood beside him now, an undecipherable emotion in his eyes. "Nunnally hasn't eaten yet."

The words made Suzaku freeze much faster than any touch could. Lelouch had moved away from him already but Suzaku was rooted in place, small trembles coursing down his spine as he wondered what to do. These episodes were becoming more and more frequent, and he didn't know whether to go along with them or try setting Lelouch straight. Why wasn't the medicine working?

"She must be with Alice. Those two are inseparable... It reminds me of how we were as kids." Lelouch faced him again, a smile lighting up his face in a way that made Suzaku's heart soar. How long had it been since he'd seen Lelouch truly smile?

A warm hand settled on his chest, Suzaku having no doubt Lelouch could feel his accelerated heartbeat underneath the thin shirt he wore. "Lelouch," Suzaku whispered, almost dropping the dishes in his hands when Lelouch closed the distance between them and kissed him. It was unexpected. Lelouch hadn't voluntarily been intimate with him since... Well, Suzaku couldn't recall exactly but it had been well before Lelouch started his trips to the new psychiatrist. Suzaku could almost ignore the slip-up if Lelouch looked at him like this, with love in his eyes and not trepidation.

And Lelouch's mouth was so sweet, such a welcome distraction from the fear and uncertainty that had been slowly eating away at Suzaku's own mind. He threw himself into the kiss, taking advantage of anything Lelouch was willing to give him. He let the plates fall on the table, preferring to envelop his arms around Lelouch and ensure he couldn't get away. It had been far too long. Suzaku needed this. It was his medicine, the tiny glimmers of normalcy the only thing keeping him hanging on.

A soft noise escaped Lelouch's mouth - not a complaint - as Suzaku hoisted him onto the table. He felt Lelouch's legs wrap around his waist, pulling him closer, and he shivered involuntarily. This wasn't normal for them, to do it out in the open like this. Usually they stuck to the bedroom, somewhere private where Rolo couldn't walk in on them at any moment. Not that Suzaku imagined he would. After tonight's disappointment the boy would probably lock himself in his own bedroom until morning. Still, the risk made it all the more exciting.

And then everything changed. The hands that had been pulling him closer were suddenly pushing him back, Lelouch dislodging his mouth from Suzaku's and shaking his head furiously. Suzaku kissed him again, more firmly this time, needing a release too much to appreciate Lelouch's obvious want for personal space. It wasn't that Suzaku needed a payment of some kind for sticking with Lelouch when most would have abandoned him long ago, he just... he wanted something to prove that they were still in this together. Suzaku didn't want Lelouch to discard him in favor of the past anymore. He was the one who stayed, damn it – he was the one who was still there.

Lelouch gasped when Suzaku's hand slipped beneath the waistline of his pants, groping insistently. "Suzaku... Not now," he whined, pushing at broad shoulders. "Nunnally..."

The anger Suzaku restrained earlier came flooding back. He wanted to take it out on Lelouch. So badly he wanted to swing his fist at that perfect face in hopes that it would bring sense back to him. Instead, and before he even realized it, Suzaku swept his hand across the tabletop, sending the dishes he'd gathered crashing to the floor.

Lelouch shrieked. Reality settled in. Suzaku tasted acid in his throat.

"I'm sorry, Lelouch, I didn't mean to—"

Lelouch smacked Suzaku outstretched hand away, eyes wild and accusing. "That was for Nunnally! For Nunnally!"

Suzaku stormed out of the kitchen, furious with Lelouch and even more so with himself. He knew Lelouch's condition well enough; the turn of events should not have surprised him. To let his anger get the better of him was inexcusable. He was supposed to be the caretaker, the person Lelouch could rely on.

But each passing day the darkness of Lelouch's mind claimed more and more of him, and Suzaku was being left behind.

Alone.

In their bedroom, amidst the cacophony of glasses breaking, Suzaku was mesmerized by the portrait of the brown-haired child on Lelouch's nightstand – the one beside the snapshot of three children lying in a field of sunflowers, ignorant of hardships to come. He touched the portrait reverently, as he had seen Lelouch do many times.

_Maybe I deserve it, Nunnally..._

* * *

_**Catch me I'm falling** _

* * *

" _Lamperouge, Lelouch. Third adjustment after five weeks. Reports continued mild anxiety and some lingering depression." Same note pad. Same little smile. Lelouch couldn't look at the doctor. "How are you feeling today, Lelouch?"_

_He rambled, tugging at the collar of the shirt Suzaku let him borrow. For some reason he'd discovered almost all the clothes he owned torn up when he awoke that morning. "I now can't feel my fingers or my toes. I sweat... profusely, for no reason."_

_The doctor crossed his legs, tilting his head curiously. "And Suzaku?" It wasn't the first time his partner's name had been brought up in one of these sessions but Lelouch still jumped as if it was, fighting the mixture of guilt, affection and disparagement that he couldn't decide applied toward Suzaku. "How have the two of you been? You've mentioned sexual dysfunction in the past…"_

_Lelouch's eyes narrowed on the white sedan parked just beyond the window. Suzaku was staring at him from within the car, his green eyes wide and pathetic. In his mind he saw the swipe of a hand, dishes and silverware crashing on the floor. "Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for sex," Lelouch said at length."Although... whether that's the medicine or the relationship is anybody's guess."_

_Schneizel laughed politely, setting the notepad aside. "I'm sure it's the medicine."_

_"Oh, thank you. That's very kind." Lelouch's expression softened as he allowed Schneizel to touch his hand. It was comforting. The doctor understood him. "But my partner's waiting in the car..."_

* * *

_**Catch me I'm falling** _

* * *

Suzaku should have known something was up the moment Euphemia asked for his help regarding QuickBooks. As an intern with the marketing department she had no business learning to operate a bookkeeping program. But he'd let her inside his office during the lunch break anyways, not even taking notice when she'd locked the door. It was when she leaned over his shoulder, breasts pushed up against his back and lips just millimeters from his ear that the alarm went off in his mind.

"Euphie," he said, a note of regret in his voice as he scooted his chair sideways to create a more appropriate distance between them. "This isn't appropriate."

Getting the hint, Euphemia stepped back. "I'm sorry! I'm not usually like this. It's just..." Lavender eyes landed on the photograph of Lelouch. She blushed. "I really like you, Suzaku. And I know that you're hurting. I just thought if there was any way I could..." Her voice trailed off as she caught Suzaku's eye hopefully.

Suzaku shook his head. Euphemia was beautiful and sweet and  _normal_ , which counted most of all, but Suzaku's life hadn't been normal for ten years. He wouldn't know what to do with normalcy, even if he craved it like mad.

Lelouch. Everything he did was for Lelouch. For  _them_  – the hope that one day they could be normal as well.

The telephone rang. Tearing his gaze away from Euphemia, Suzaku answered it.

" _Suzaku?"_

The voice on the other end of the line was distant, airy, but not hysterical as Suzaku was afraid it might be when he saw the Caller ID. Suzaku settled back into his chair. "Lelouch, what's wrong?"

" _Nothing... I just missed you."_

Silently, Euphemia left the office. Suzaku watched her go.

* * *

_**Losing myself in the air** _

* * *

" _Is Rolo speaking to you yet?"_

_Lelouch tilted his head to the side. "Rolo?"_

_The doctor's blond eyebrows rose. He made a note. "Never mind. How are you feeling today, Lelouch?"_

* * *

_**Catch me I'm falling** _

* * *

"Doctor, it's been weeks... I would have thought by now there would be some progress, but things just seem to be getting worse."

Schneizel didn't look up from his computer. This was not the first time he'd been paid a visit by his patient's overprotective partner. He'd even met with Suzaku once for a therapy session – "just to talk," had been Suzaku's nervous excuse for scheduling the appointment. Suzaku wasn't completely naïve, but somehow he expected a miracle and science had only come so far. "Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better."

As expected, the answer did not satisfy. Schneizel sighed and pulled the Lamperouge file out from the nearest cabinet. "Medicine isn't magic, Mr. Kururugi. You and I both know that. But there are other options available." He pulled out a pamphlet from within the file and handed it to Suzaku, who took it with a growing dread. "Electroconvulsive Therapy is a standard course of treatment for drug-resistant patients," Schneizel explained. "It is completely safe, but typically only used as a last resort for patients who are imminently suicidal –"

"Lelouch isn't," Suzaku interrupted, the pamphlet crumbling beneath his shaking fingertips. "I mean, He's never..." Lelouch's depressive state fluctuated from day to day, but suicide had never been an issue they'd had to deal with.

Schneizel only looked back at his computer, resuming his typing. "Just something to consider, Mr. Kururugi."

* * *

_**Don't leave me crawling** _

* * *

" _Lamperouge, Lelouch. Seven weeks. We've yet to break through to the roots of your depression._   _I'd like to try something new today, if that's all right."_

_Lelouch blinked, surprised by the breach of routine. He'd been ready to rattle off a list of side-affects from the most recent prescription. "I suppose..."_

_"Thank you." Schneizel set his notepad on the desk and moved his chair closer to the sofa. "Sometimes, when a story is hard to tell, hypnosis can be helpful."_

_Unable to help it, Lelouch burst out laughing. The doctor did not share in his amusement, making Lelouch consider the possibility that he was actually serious. "I'm sorry," he said, after regaining his composure. "I don't think I'm the type who can be hypnotized. I mean, it's fine if you want to try... I just don't think I'm the type."_

" _You're allowed to be skeptical, Lelouch, don't apologize. If you'd like to try..." His voice trailed off as he waited for Lelouch's undivided attention._

_Lelouch's gaze flickered from the doctor to the window. There was Suzaku, in the driver's seat of the white sedan as usual, watching him. "Can we close the blinds?"_

" _Of course."_

_Several moments passed, and then darkness filled the room._

" _Put both feet on the floor. Hands on your lap." Schneizel's voice was deeper than usual, soothing. Lelouch relaxed. "Now, breathe. In..."_

_Lelouch inhaled._

" _And out."_

_Lelouch exhaled._

" _Good. Now, walk with me..."_

_Lelouch smiled. "Okay, walking."_

" _We're walking down a long flight of stairs."_

" _Stairs," Lelouch repeated._

" _Go down the stairs, step by step.. into the darkness below."_

" _Should we turn on a light?" Lelouch wondered, wryly. "You know, with the stairs?"_

_Schneizel disregarded his attempted humor. "We've entered a hallway. A hallway you know very well."_

_Lelouch pictured the hallway of his and Suzaku's apartment: yellow walls with crown molding and hardwood floors, Rolo's bedroom on the right, along with the bathroom, while on the left storage closets and his and Suzaku's master bedroom..._

" _At the end of the hallway there's a door. It's a door that you've never seen."_

_Lelouch's breathing slowed as, true to the doctor's word, he saw the door. He'd never laid eyes on it before, and yet somehow it was familiar to him. There was a warmth radiating from beyond._

" _Open the door."_

_Lelouch did._

* * *

_**Catch me and show me you care** _

* * *

"Lelouch, you come home from these sessions in tears. Is this helping?" They could always find another doctor. Psychiatrists were a dime a dozen, and the more time went by the less certain Suzaku became of Schneizel's experimental psychology. "Lelouch?"

Lelouch was humming to himself, the tune of a music box he'd given to Nunnally on her eighth birthday. He was slipping away again. No, he was unconscious.

"Lelouch!"

* * *

_**Catch me I'm falling** _

* * *

" _I never wanted to be a brother. I was really content as an only child, so I thought I would hate it, having to share the attention... But when the baby came... Nunnally..." Lelouch smiled in remembrance. "She was the world to me. And even when mother died..."_

_Something clouded his vision; maybe the concrete Lelouch always described his mind as being full of. Schneizel spoke softly, trying to keep Lelouch with him."Yes?" The more they uncovered through these sessions, the closer they were to a cure. Lelouch had to make up his mind to be well, to not lose himself._

" _The world still made sense, as long as Nunnally was with me. And then..."_

" _And then..?"_

_And then a cold December morning came. Christmas morning, was it? Rolo was the one to discover her, lying so still in her bed. He'd started crying._

_("Nii-san! Nii-san, its Nunnally!")_

_Lelouch could hear another voice in his head – the ever-present reminder; the patronizing but loving plea of Suzaku._

_("She's not here.")_

" _If you tell me the story, you own it," Schneizel was saying, as Lelouch tried to run from the Suzaku in his mind. "If you don't, if you keep it hidden..."_

_("Love, I know you know...")_

" _It owns you."_

* * *

_**Flying headfirst into fate** _

* * *

He kissed Euphemia Lee in his office, after work once everyone else had gone home. He hadn't meant to, but she'd been the only sympathetic ear to his cause, and she always smiled at him and wore those pretty outfits, and she'd been the one to lean in first and...

And it felt so good to actually be  _wanted_  by someone; Suzaku couldn't help it.

His kiss was urgent, his need so great it seemed to possess him. Euphemia responded accordingly, no blushing virgin like he'd expected, twining her arms around his neck and letting him push her down onto the desk. Suzaku tore down her skirt and she arched up against him, calling his name as he released years of pent-up frustration, passion and heartache on her.

Suzaku took her there on the desk, and then he broke down sobbing. Euphemia held him all night, cradling his head in her lap and humming a music box tune Suzaku knew all too well.

* * *

_**Catch me I'm falling** _

* * *

" _Unresolved loss can lead to depression, and a fear of loss to anxiety," Schneizel explained, once it was over and the lights back on. "The more you hold onto something you've lost the more you fear losing it."  
_

_Lelouch could see the white sedan through the open window, but he no longer cared if Suzaku saw him crying. Suzaku had been a closed book to him lately; Lelouch was terrified he'd finally driven him away for good._

_"Wouldn't you like to be free from all that, finally?"  
_

_But maybe there was another option - an option where he didn't have to lose anything more. Because he'd lost so much already. Suzaku was the only constant in his life, even if he was overbearing and clingy and cruel sometimes._

" _...Yes, I would."_

* * *

_**Please hear me calling** _

* * *

"Please forgive me, Lelouch. I didn't mean to, I..." Suzaku didn't know what else to say. Lelouch was just as unresponsive as he had been when Suzaku first broke the news to him. He hadn't wanted to admit it but the guilt was eating away at him. He couldn't look Lelouch in the eyes while the secret burned inside of him, not to mention how it was affecting his work. No words could ever express his regret, nor could they make up for what he'd done. Suzaku wasn't expecting forgiveness.

He just wanted Lelouch to look at him.

"I'm sorry."

Lelouch closed his eyes, stepping out of Suzaku's embrace. He didn't cry. Didn't shout. Didn't say anything.

He walked away.

* * *

_**Catch me before it's too late** _

* * *

" _Lamperouge, Lelouch. Twelve weeks." The doctor eyed the young man cautiously as he took a seat at his desk. Lelouch didn't respond when asked how he was feeling. There was a faraway look in his violet eyes._

" _Lelouch?" Schneizel prompted._

_Lelouch took in a slow, shaky breath. "I don't feel like myself," he said finally. The doctor's gaze was sympathetic as always, but Lelouch took no comfort in it. "I mean..." His voice trailed off as he looked around the room, seeing but not seeing any of it. The white sedan was, for the first time, not parked outside. "I don't feel... anything."_

_Schneizel made a note: patient stable._

* * *

_**Catch me I'm falling** _

* * *

"Shut up! Don't touch me – don't fucking touch me, Suzaku! Suzaku!" Lelouch screamed as Suzaku pulled him from the bathtub, blood running down his arms. " _Nunnally_!"

* * *

_**Catch me I'm falling** _

* * *

" _Lamperouge, Lelouch. Discovered unconscious at home... Multiple razor wounds to the wrists and forearms. Self-inflicted… Prime candidate for ECT..."_

_Schneizel lowered the audio recorder. He stood behind a glass wall, Suzaku at his left. In the room just beyond them Lelouch was strapped down by the wrists and ankles, sedated, electrodes and wires decorating to his body._

" _You might want to look away, Mr. Kururugi."_

_The doctor turned the dial of the apparatus. Lelouch's body jerked on the operating table, fingers and toes twitching as the electricity coursed through him. Suzaku was hypnotized._

* * *

_**Catch me I'm—** _

* * *

Lelouch saw a white light, and then...

Nothing.

_**End.** _

**Author's Note:**

> -The formatting at the end was changed (Suzaku scene in italics and Lelouch scene in regular font) was done intentionally, to mark the turning point in both of their lives. :)
> 
> \- Schneizel and Lelouch are obviously not related. Neither are Lelouch and Euphie.
> 
> \- The ending is left to your interpretation.


End file.
